When I think about this body I live in, I have to hold deep gratitude for all that it has given me. From a very young age I was very aware of my body, especially when it came to the mind, body connection. I learned it could be misused by inappropriate care takers, I learned it could hold the capacity of deep love and care through the gentle hands of my family, I learned it could rest safely on my father's belly, I learned it could jump, wiggle and giggle with no questions marks. This body has helped me discover life and all the many beautiful things it has to offer. This body holds my senses so that I may smell, taste, see, hear, and touch. This body is amazing.
As I grew into myself as an individual, uniquely me, awkward at first. I was very aware of everything beneath my feet, I could feel everything. I loved the feeling of the stage, slipping on tap shoes or ballet shoes, grass or dirt beneath them or sand in between my toes. I was so rooted and aware of being rooted with the earth. The strength of my legs or that which carried me from here to there, or allowed me to do all the athletic things that I did and still do just mesmerize me. I learned my body, though rocky at first, could dance, and do it well. I learned that the mind didn't always trust the body's natural capabilities. The brain tended to want to convince me otherwise but my body always told me, trust, I got you. I learned the body had reactions to other people. It would feel all sorts of things as people gave compliment or criticism. Though an emotion would arise the body had its own way of telling truth. This bodily instinct has always stuck with me. As I've grown into this I've realized my body is deeply connected to my internal being through movement. My body has an intuition far bigger than I could imagine. It is divinely connected to the soul that resides within. It instinctually knows movement, has rhythm and can give deep euphoria to my entire being. It is in the feeling and all the signals it gives me. This body is amazing.
Through the years my mind didn't always listen to my bodily signals. My soul is one to care, be loyal, show love and respect all those I come into contact with. This has been a double edged sword for me as being loyal to a fault doesn't always service a person. Here again though this is the mind, the ego, my body told me long before with plenty of signals. I have gone through intense situations that have caused my body abuse, disrespect and hate. I've never really looked at my body the way I am right now. I am taking measures to find that deep love for this body again. I am allowing for sacred respect for this body that is housing my soul in this lifetime, hence why I am writing this. This body is amazing.
It is time for me to talk about it and allow a deep healing to occur. I need to re-open the channel of deep love for this quite phenomenal vehicle I've been given. At a young age as a dancer, depending who you were placed in front of, you are taught that society expects a specific body type to become a professional dancer. This taught me that even though I was extremely talented it would not matter if I wasn't presenting the art with a compatible body. This was due to just enough people stating it isn't about the dance it is the whole package. I only needed one person to tell me otherwise but unfortunately this is a programming that has been there for far to long. I know now that it is the heart that drives the talent and you can't teach heart. You can always change a body. I did everything possible to get the ideal body, rather it be through excessive exercise (6 to 7 hours per day), anorexia for 3 years of my life followed by extreme caloric restriction and bulimia. The only way this habit was broken was because my father passed away. This hurt my entire being deep to my bones. I blamed myself many years for this because I thought he was taken away from me because I was slowly killing myself. While at this stage of my life I could do what I needed to do for my dance career but I wasn't connected to my authentic self at all. I lost touch with my guides, my intuitive body. This was my adolescent years, some of the most vulnerable and imprinting years of my life. I wasn't one to explore social interaction much so I really kept this all to myself for many, many years. I know now that the loss of the man I respected the most was not my fault and that yet again my mind and ego won in that situation until I acknowledged it and went through it. A healing had to happen. A lot of people think who I am today is who I always have been. This didn't come easy, it came with hard earned lessons, work and the will power to thrive. This body is amazing.
For most of my life I've struggled with this hate for my body due to trying to meet criteria for the path of dancing, fitness, or just societal expectations of a woman. I think it is important to have this discussion with yourself so that you may see how many things your body does for you, instead of how great you look in a pair of jeans. I am starting to respect it more in the reference that it has given me so many gifts. My body deep to its core knows how to move in many formats; with grace, poise and words without speech through dancing, dancing I believe is part of my soul's alignment towards my purpose. To learning and committing to the art of martial arts as I never wanted another man or human to lay their hands on my most prized possession, my body, again. When the mind drops to the lowest low and you feel you have no where or no space to evolve to, you get back up, you try more things, you find your inspiration and passion again and you transform deeper into what you are capable of. This is what I've always done. If it didn't work I tried, tried again. I have only done this though because my body is capable and allowing. My body has also given me the gift of knowing how to throw knives, shoot a bow and arrow, energetically connect and heal myself and others or fire a gun with precision. I never knew this was a possibility until I just tried it. This body mesmerizes me more and more everyday. I know now that through the connection of movement, breath, discipline and intention the body is a valuable resource to your truth. This is why my body has gifted me the knowledge and joy of Yoga. It was drawn to it and it allowed me to understand how to unite the mind, body and soul as one. No matter the scenario good or bad my body has always had its own guidance. People ask why I train so much or why I take everything to its most disciplined space. I literally have to feel it and experience it in my body. My body deeply guides me. This body is amazing.
In thinking of all of this I now want to surrender to everything that my body has to offer me. My body holds my secrets, my scars, my strengths, my weaknesses, my talents, my aspirations, my thoughts, my choices, my humanness, my perception. My body gives me allowance to pursue all that I've ever wanted to. My body is healthy and strong and not all people can say that so I am grateful it has taken me this far. So resilient, built like a warrior with a heart of a tiny kitten. I think to all the damage that has happened to my body and the damage occurred because I didn't trust this tool I've been given, nor did I trust its innate reaction. I've been so hard on her and she has done nothing but give to me all the strength and will power I've needed to live this life. She deserves nothing but love, care and constance observance. This is your house, your tool, your only place to live and thrive. This is yours, uniquely yours. Honor the physical form. Take care of it. Hold her Sacred. This body is amazing.
